How to get over heartbreak for the hopeless romantics (Warning: I’m still learning)
Food for thought!
There are millions of articles and movies that have been written about getting over heartbreak. It’s part of the human experience to have your heart broken or maybe even break someone else’s heart. You can attempt to read and study love in preparation for your first heartbreak. However, no one can prepare you for the real thing. I grew up loving fairytales and believing in happy endings which convince you that if you love someone then you’ll be together. As a hopeless romantic I still believe that happy endings exist and I’m waiting on mine, but there were times where I thought I had come close to my happy ending and nothing could have prepared me for the heartbreak that followed.
If you’re like me, you didn’t get a lot of romantic attention until… senior year? So, you told yourself that your first heartbreak would go something like this: You’re dating a cute guy that likes you back and he breaks up with you by saying something stupid like “It’s not you, it’s me.” Then, you cry to your mom seeking her motherly advice and your friends come to the rescue with a tub of ice cream. This is what you expected, right? Because that’s how I imagined my first heartbreak going. Except, I was the one breaking hearts just to get my heart broken in the end as well. So, here’s my inside look on heartbreaks:
Amicable breakups hurt (even if you think they won’t)
It was my freshman year of college and I was dating a guy I got along with great. He was my first official boyfriend which made me feel like I was on the right track. I wanted to fit in and do the usual go to college, get a boyfriend, go out with friends sort of thing. But life had different plans for my heart because soon I felt the pressure to fall in love with a person who I only liked. My whole life I thought romantic love was this grand feeling that hits you like whiplash. So, like anyone in their first relationship I felt that I had to go off on my own and figure out what love truly meant. We both agreed to break things off and I thought it would feel great to be free from the commitment and anxiety that had been picking at my brain. Newsflash! It did not feel great. I knew we had made the right decision, but I had spent so much time with him that I could feel the empty space he left. Break ups are weird because even if they’re amicable you know things won’t ever be the same. Like any girl going through her first breakup I crashed out and then cried, asked to get back together, had a spiritual awakening, etc. In the end, what I missed the most was the great friendship we had in the relationship, but all’s well that ends well.
Unreciprocated love hurts… like a lot
Not too long after the end of my first relationship some feelings resurfaced for one of my closest friends. Panicked, I buried it deep down and decided not to tell my therapist. Note to self: That was a bad idea. Of course, these feelings hit me like a truck a few months into being single again. And as someone with a big heart I tend to have really intense crushes, so having a crush on one of my best friends wasn’t something that seemed like smooth sailing to me. Note to self: I was right. The tricky thing about feelings and friends is that they don’t tend to mix well. For my peace of mind I made the bold move of telling my friend how I felt (it took a lot of convincing from a therapist). They kindly expressed they didn’t feel the same and we continued hanging out as normal. However, I don’t always understand the concept of taking space away for myself to process things and I often like to assume I can bounce back from anything quickly, even if I can’t. This led to developing deeper feelings for my friend which only led to a messy situation. I knew I would get hurt because I knew this person didn’t feel the same. Yet, the little girl who believed in fairytales kept holding onto some hope. Once I realized I couldn’t keep avoiding my feelings, my illusionment wore off and I felt my heartache like I had never felt before.
I don't think the unreciprocated feelings hurt, but rather it hurt me that I had been foolish enough to believe that just because you love someone then it’ll guarantee your fairytale. I cried a lot because I was disappointed in myself, I felt lonely, and once again I was back at square one not knowing what love is. Thankfully, I learned the one heartbreak advice that will always be true: Time will heal. And so, I finally took the space I needed and spent time learning how to love myself rather than searching for it in someone else. I went outdoors with my family, met new people, and got into the gym. As time passed by, my heart hurt less and less. After healing, I realized that the feelings I had for my friend had been beautiful and intense, but that we were better off as just friends. I also discovered how much I had missed enjoying our friendship with my feelings out of the way. I am happy to say we are still friends today and I love them to death (platonically)!
Reentering the dating scene
Once I learned how to love myself I felt ready to reenter the dating scene. Small issue is I am nineteen which means no one knows what they want including myself. I’m on pretty much all the dating apps even though I hate them and don’t actually go on any dates through them. My friends and I like to joke that dating apps are like a game where all you do is swipe through profiles. Don’t get me wrong, the apps work for some people, but the hopeless romantic in me wants to meet someone organically. Fortunately, someone has caught my eye and after learning how to practice self love I’ve been playing it way cooler than I would have before. I’ll admit dating or even having a crush on someone can be difficult after heartbreaks. Sometimes, consumed by sadness people will exclaim how “Romantic love doesn’t exist!” and that they’ll “Never like or love anyone again!” Heck, even I've said these things before. But, I think my best advice on heartbreak is to let life surprise you because if you let life surprise you then love may surprise you as well. I haven’t found that whirlwind romance yet but I’d like to think it’s out there somewhere waiting for me.
That’s about all I know about heartbreak so far, and I’ll admit it’s not too intense compared to people who have struggled with divorce or betrayal. But after all, heartbreak is a universal feeling we all share and experience, so I hope my small account on romantic love reaches a fellow hopeless romantic out there. I encourage everyone going through heartbreak to read this quote and keep it in mind during this time:
“Have a heart that never hardens, and a temper that never tires, and a touch that never hurts.”
- Charles Dickens
Thanks for reading,
Daniela Rapp
Author’s Note: All images were taken from Pinterest and do not belong to me.